Midwife the Revolution

Midwife the Revolution

Challenges are being introduced into our daily lives in order to bring us to a new energy level of compassion and equality.  

The evolution of this planet has long been stuck in old dark patterns of Darwinian survival modes of reaction.  We have allowed our ego needs to feed us with money, power, prestige, and so many many things w think we must have to be happy.  We stand empty in our hearts while we feed on the trough of materialism and separation.  We see Democracy struggling to rebirth itself into a more equitable form of being together.  We can help.

Our hearts open when love and compassion flow into and out of us on Earth.  Because we have not evolved out of fear and completely launched into the trusting arms of the creative intelligence, we tend to live out of our fear based perspectives of separation.  

Our brain’s seat of negative emotions, the amygdala, is working 24-7 trying to protect us from harm.  We appreciate the assistance but we really are not in need of saving.  We are already saved even though it surely does not seem like it when we have fear in our diets.  

We have to make a conscious effort to not attach to the fears:  we are concerned about dying, being ill, jobs, finances, worthiness, equality in all realms, people hurting and suffering in a myriad of ways all over the world.  

We instinctively regress into fears when we have forgotten who really are.  We are a child of the creative intelligence that is moving us ever so slowly into kindness for all.  We are all connected at a very deep level of awareness energy.  

Water flows around objects.  It finds its way and on the way it erodes what is in its path.   Be like water.  Keep your energy is the realm of acceptance and let the water flow.  We do not have to agree with what is happening but we need to accept it to find the gift of peace within.  

We were born into this time because we want to grow into our potential hearts of deep compassion and equanimity.  Courage is required to face our fears of survival.  We need to heal our fears in every moment so that we can be fully present to support those on the front lines, taking the rebirthing to the streets, in our classrooms, our halls of justice, workplaces, communities, homes, and families.    

Imagine, as John Lennon reminds us, letting it be.  The creative intelligence is love.  It wants to expand into the dark corners of our minds and world.  It is not going to take ‘no’ as an answer.  So we can either get on board or suffer in growing fear which only adds to the fear in our world.  Let’s do our part to reduce the fear that we generate into the matrix that affects us all.  

Watch the news as you feel the need to be informed but do not attach to that which is full of fear.  Honor the evolution of revolution in our world but do not get sucked into the world. Be of the world, not in it….as Jesus said. Be the observer with a heart full of love and caring while you support that which is instrumental for our evolution.  

Drop the fear and replace it with healing love and trust in the evolution of the cosmic energy.  Make a choice and rest in the arms of awareness of love.  

You are not your feelings…..

You are not your feelings. You just experience them. Anger, sadness, hate, depression, fear. This is the rain you walk in. But you don’t become the rain. You know the rain will pass. You walk on. And you remember the soft glow of the sun that will come again.

Matt Haig

Today and Everyday

My to-do list for today:

Count my blessings

Practice kindness

Let go of what I can’t control

Listen to my heart

Be productive yet calm

Just breathe.

@ramblings

Anne Lamott: Ted Talk on 12 Things She Has Learned from Life and Writing

My seven-year-old grandson sleeps just down the hall from me, and he wakes up a lot of mornings and he says, “You know, this could be the best day ever.” And other times, in the middle of the night, he calls out in a tremulous voice, “Nana, will you ever get sick and die?”

I think this pretty much says it for me and for most of the people I know, that we’re a mixed grill of happy anticipation and dread. So I sat down a few days before my 61st birthday,and I decided to compile a list of everything I know for sure. There’s so little truth in the popular culture, and it’s good to be sure of a few things.

For instance, I am no longer 47, although this is the age I feel, and the age I like to think of myself as being. My friend Paul used to say in his late 70s that he felt like a young man with something really wrong with him. 

Our true person is outside of time and space, but looking at the paperwork, I can, in fact, see that I was born in 1954. My inside self is outside of time and space. It doesn’t have an age. I’m every age I’ve ever been, and so are you, although I can’t help mentioning as an aside that it might have been helpful if I hadn’t followed the skin care rules of the ’60s, which involved getting as much sun as possible while slathered in baby oil and basking in the glow of a tinfoil reflector shield.

It was so liberating, though, to face the truth that I was no longer in the last throes of middle age, that I decided to write down every single true thing I know. People feel really doomed and overwhelmed these days, and they keep asking me what’s true. So I hope that my list of things I’m almost positive about might offer some basic operating instructions to anyone who is feeling really overwhelmed or beleaguered.

Number one: the first and truest thing is that all truth is a paradox. Life is both a precious, unfathomably beautiful gift, and it’s impossible here, on the incarnational side of things. It’s been a very bad match for those of us who were born extremely sensitive.It’s so hard and weird that we sometimes wonder if we’re being punked. It’s filled simultaneously with heartbreaking sweetness and beauty, desperate poverty, floods and babies and acne and Mozart, all swirled together. I don’t think it’s an ideal system.

Number two: almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes — including you. 

Three: there is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way,unless you’re waiting for an organ. You can’t buy, achieve or date serenity and peace of mind. This is the most horrible truth, and I so resent it. But it’s an inside job, and we can’t arrange peace or lasting improvement for the people we love most in the world.They have to find their own ways, their own answers. You can’t run alongside your grown children with sunscreen and ChapStick on their hero’s journey. You have to release them.It’s disrespectful not to. And if it’s someone else’s problem, you probably don’t have the answer, anyway. 

Our help is usually not very helpful. Our help is often toxic. And help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody. 

This brings us to number four: everyone is screwed up, broken, clingy and scared, even the people who seem to have it most together. They are much more like you than you would believe, so try not to compare your insides to other people’s outsides. It will only make you worse than you already are.

Also, you can’t save, fix or rescue any of them or get anyone sober. What helped me get clean and sober 30 years ago was the catastrophe of my behavior and thinking. So I asked some sober friends for help, and I turned to a higher power. One acronym for God is the “gift of desperation,” G-O-D, or as a sober friend put it, by the end I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards.

So God might mean, in this case, “me running out of any more good ideas.”

While fixing and saving and trying to rescue is futile, radical self-care is quantum, and it radiates out from you into the atmosphere like a little fresh air. It’s a huge gift to the world. When people respond by saying, “Well, isn’t she full of herself,” just smile obliquely like Mona Lisa and make both of you a nice cup of tea. Being full of affection for one’s goofy, self-centered, cranky, annoying self is home. It’s where world peace begins.

Number five: chocolate with 75 percent cacao is not actually a food.

Its best use is as a bait in snake traps or to balance the legs of wobbly chairs. It was never meant to be considered an edible.

Number six —

writing. Every writer you know writes really terrible first drafts, but they keep their butt in the chair. That’s the secret of life. That’s probably the main difference between you and them. They just do it. They do it by prearrangement with themselves. They do it as a debt of honor. They tell stories that come through them one day at a time, little by little.When my older brother was in fourth grade, he had a term paper on birds due the next day, and he hadn’t started. So my dad sat down with him with an Audubon book, paper, pencils and brads — for those of you who have gotten a little less young and remember brads — and he said to my brother, “Just take it bird by bird, buddy. Just read about pelicans and then write about pelicans in your own voice. And then find out about chickadees, and tell us about them in your own voice. And then geese.”

So the two most important things about writing are: bird by bird and really god-awful first drafts. If you don’t know where to start, remember that every single thing that happened to you is yours, and you get to tell it. If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.

You’re going to feel like hell if you wake up someday and you never wrote the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart: your stories, memories, visions and songs — your truth, your version of things — in your own voice. That’s really all you have to offer us,and that’s also why you were born.

Seven: publication and temporary creative successes are something you have to recover from. They kill as many people as not. They will hurt, damage and change you in ways you cannot imagine. The most degraded and evil people I’ve ever known are male writers who’ve had huge best sellers. And yet, returning to number one, that all truth is paradox, it’s also a miracle to get your work published, to get your stories read and heard. Just try to bust yourself gently of the fantasy that publication will heal you, that it will fill the Swiss-cheesy holes inside of you. It can’t. It won’t. But writing can. So can singing in a choir or a bluegrass band. So can painting community murals or birding or fostering old dogs that no one else will.

Number eight: families. Families are hard, hard, hard, no matter how cherished and astonishing they may also be. Again, see number one.

At family gatherings where you suddenly feel homicidal or suicidal –remember that in all cases, it’s a miracle that any of us, specifically, were conceived and born. Earth is forgiveness school. It begins with forgiving yourself, and then you might as well start at the dinner table. That way, you can do this work in comfortable pants.

When William Blake said that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love, he knew that your family would be an intimate part of this, even as you want to run screaming for your cute little life. But I promise you are up to it. You can do it, Cinderella, you can do it,and you will be amazed.

Nine: food. Try to do a little better. I think you know what I mean.

Number 10 –grace. Grace is spiritual WD-40, or water wings. The mystery of grace is that God loves Henry Kissinger and Vladimir Putin and me exactly as much as He or She loves your new grandchild. Go figure.

The movement of grace is what changes us, heals us and heals our world. To summon grace, say, “Help,” and then buckle up. Grace finds you exactly where you are, but it doesn’t leave you where it found you. And grace won’t look like Casper the Friendly Ghost, regrettably. But the phone will ring or the mail will come and then against all odds, you’ll get your sense of humor about yourself back. Laughter really is carbonated holiness. It helps us breathe again and again and gives us back to ourselves, and this gives us faith in life and each other. And remember — grace always bats last.

Eleven: God just means goodness. It’s really not all that scary. It means the divine or a loving, animating intelligence, or, as we learned from the great “Deteriorata,” “the cosmic muffin.” A good name for God is: “Not me.” Emerson said that the happiest person on Earth is the one who learns from nature the lessons of worship. So go outside a lot and look up. My pastor said you can trap bees on the bottom of mason jars without lidsbecause they don’t look up, so they just walk around bitterly bumping into the glass walls. Go outside. Look up. Secret of life.

And finally: death. Number 12. Wow and yikes. It’s so hard to bear when the few people you cannot live without die. You’ll never get over these losses, and no matter what the culture says, you’re not supposed to. We Christians like to think of death as a major change of address, but in any case, the person will live again fully in your heart if you don’t seal it off. Like Leonard Cohen said, “There are cracks in everything, and that’s how the light gets in.” And that’s how we feel our people again fully alive.

Also, the people will make you laugh out loud at the most inconvenient times, and that’s the great good news. But their absence will also be a lifelong nightmare of homesickness for you. Grief and friends, time and tears will heal you to some extent. Tears will bathe and baptize and hydrate and moisturize you and the ground on which you walk.

Do you know the first thing that God says to Moses? He says, “Take off your shoes.”Because this is holy ground, all evidence to the contrary. It’s hard to believe, but it’s the truest thing I know. When you’re a little bit older, like my tiny personal self, you realize that death is as sacred as birth. And don’t worry — get on with your life. Almost every single death is easy and gentle with the very best people surrounding you for as long as you need. You won’t be alone. They’ll help you cross over to whatever awaits us. As Ram Dass said, “When all is said and done, we’re really just all walking each other home.”

I think that’s it, but if I think of anything else, I’ll let you know.

Thank you.

Happiness Is…….

As winter approaches this fall…..I am reminded of the psychiatrist Milton Erickson who when confronted in therapy by a depressed and anxious little senior lady……asked her what made her happy. She replied that she loved growing African violets. He asked her if she would be willing to grow and give a violet to anyone in her church she thought might need it. She said she would do that. And he happily lost a patient. A great reminder that helping others …..doing whatever fits with your values and joy…..lifts us all to a higher ❤️….


by Andrea Avari Stevens

Narcissistic Mothers: the long term effects on their daughters by Peg Streep

Growing up in a household with a mother who belittled and gaslighted me, my goal was simply to escape. She wasn’t a narcissist but she was combative, jealous, angry, and mean. Hidden deep in my closet where no one could see it, I had a piece of oak tag with the number of days left until I would go off to college, and I recall that the number was something like 1000. My assumption was that the real problem was that I was living under her roof and like any other princess trapped in a tower, it was just a matter of making my getaway.

I could not have been more wrong but it turns out I was hardly alone. This is a very common misunderstanding among daughters whose emotional needs weren’t met in childhood. We fail to account for the unseen baggage we have in tow as we head toward the door, as I can personally attest.

As I explain in my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, while there are commonalities among daughters who received insufficient love, validation, and attunement growing up, there are also some significant differences. Some of these differences can be traced back to the mother’s patterns of behavior.

In my work, I identify eight toxic maternal behaviors which are dismissive, controlling, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, self-involved or high in narcissistic traits, combative, enmeshed, and role-reversed. These behaviors are meant as tools for understanding the effect certain maternal behaviors have on a daughter’s development; they are relatively permeable and a mother may display a number of these behaviors either at once or over time. For example, a dismissive mother may also be emotionally unavailable or a controlling mother may become more combative as her daughter gets older and resists the mother’s domination. A mother high in narcissistic traits may be both controlling and emotionally unavailable.

Each of these behaviors requires a daughter to adapt and deal; the self-involved mother or one high in narcissistic traits shapes a daughter’s development in some very specific ways.

Understanding the long reach of childhood experiences

While we may consciously recognize the lack of love and our own unhappiness in our family of origin, we’re unlikely to be able to see the ways we learned to cope and manage as a result. It’s much more likely that we see our adult behaviors as a reflection of our innate personalities than to see various traits as learned responses to a trying environment, But many of your ways of acting and reacting—it might be your fear of being rejected, the way you find it hard to speak your mind, your panic when attention is turned on you , the difficulty you have trusting people, how you always blame yourself when things go wrong—are, in fact, traceable to those childhood experiences.

The single largest effect on any daughter is her insecure style of attachment which reflects both her deficits in managing emotion and her unconscious models of how people behave in relationships; having a mother high in narcissist traits can result in any of the three insecure styles which are anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant.

Being raised by a mother high in narcissistic traits leaves a lasting influence on a daughter. If she is one of her mother’s favorites, she will nonetheless lack true self-esteem since her mother only sees a projection of her own wants and needs, not a person in her own right; lacking true self-worth, she may ape her mother’s behaviors, feeling that it’s the best way to get along in the world and the best way to hide her own woundedness. The sensitive daughter or the one who’s become the mother’s scapegoat may be so afraid of becoming a narcissist that she dodges the limelight and hides in the shadows, rendering herself voiceless. This is what Dr. Craig Malkin in his book, Rethinking Narcissism, calls an echoist. If you think of narcissism as a spectrum with healthy self-regard in the middle, the ends are occupied by the echoist, who lacks self-regard, and the narcissist, who uses exaggerated self-regard as armor.

5 things the narcissistic mother teaches her daughter about life

  • you are valued for how you are perceived, not who you are

The mother high in narcissistic traits sees her children as nothing more than extensions of herself and she is highly invested in having them reflect well on her. She cares enormously about appearances and very little about how her children achieve as long as they do. The child who doesn’t go along with the program will be scapegoated and ostracized.

  • love is conditional and can be taken away

What passes for love in the narcissistic mother’s domain is praise and attention, and both are dependent on the child’s continuing to reflect well on her, even in adulthood. Because this mother sees love as earned, she feels perfectly comfortable withdrawing it if a child disappoints her. Of course, the daughter grows up believing the love is nothing more than a transaction which requires quid pro quos and, additionally, forces you to always watch your back.

  • to belong, you must abide by the rules

Because the narcissistic mother requires that her children present themselves as she dictates, failure isn’t acceptable. Many daughters understandably become enormously fearful of failing and, as a result, aren’t likely to take on challenges; they aim low and safe. Others, intent on garnering their mothers’ praise, aim high and sometimes achieve but don’t really credit themselves for what they’ve earned or take ownership of it; outwardly successful, they feel like imposters or frauds.

  • there are always insiders and outsiders

The world the child sees is filtered by her mother’s take on it; there are winners and losers, people inside her mother’s special orbit and those outside of it who have no status and standing.  The mother high in narcissistic traits plays favorites setting one child against another, watching as each jockeys for attention. Not surprisingly, the daughter grows up believing that this is how the larger world works and that all relationships follow the same patterns.  She thinks you’re either chosen to be on the team, beginning with Team Mom, or doomed to be left out.

  • that verbal abuse is to be expected and manipulation the norm

All children assume that what goes on at their house goes on everywhere, and the daughter of a narcissistic mother is no different; she will usually normalize not just the games her mother plays—pitting one child against another, calling out the scapegoat, designating winners and losers—but how she’s spoken to. Name calling, mocking, and gaslighting are usually part of this mother’s repertoire—it’s how she keeps her kids in line—and the daughter comes of age unable to recognize verbal abuse. This sets her up for normalizing these toxic behaviors in other relationships in her life, both in young and later adulthood. It’s not unusual for a daughter marginalized by a mother high in narcissistic traits to end up with a lover or spouse who treats her the same way.

Until these lessons are exposed for the untruths they are, they will continue to shape both a daughter’s expectations and behaviors. Working with a gifted therapist is the fastest route to unlearning, along with focus and self-help.

Photograph by Alexandre Chambon. Copyright free. Unsplash.com

Malkin, Craig. Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. New York: Harper Perennial, 2016.1.3K48

Peg Streep

Peg Streep’s new book, DAUGHTER DETOX: RECOVERING FROM AN UNLOVING MOTHER AND RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE, can be purchased at Amazon. com. The author or co-author of twelve books, she also wrote MEAN MOTHERS: OVERCOMING THE LEGACY OF HURT (William Morrow). She lives in New York City. You can visit her on Facebook or at www.pegstreep.com. All posts are copyrighted by Peg Streep. You are more than welcome to share the link but do not copy and paste the text and post elsewhere.

The Second Coming is not……by Caroline de Lisser

The second coming is not Jesus descending from the clouds, it is the rise of the divine feminine so that the marriage of the masculine and feminine as a spiritual integration on equal terms in the hearts of humanity can occur on earth. Only then can humanity attain balance within themselves, with each other and with Mother Earth. We are witnessing that struggle right now on an external level as we watch women struggle for their rights, people rising up and demanding that we place our attention on bringing to a halt our destruction of the eco system due to greed and the power hungry patriarchy. We are also witnessing the patriarchy being expressed as an archetype in political figures such as Trump. He’s playing his role in this drama so that those who have an opened heart chakra and the eyes to see the truth can rise up in numbers and take a stand in the name of love, unity and respect for all living beings. We are at a crossroad struggling to move out of the dark ages of the Kali Yuga into the Aquarian Age of Enlightenment. We are privileged to be here and those that understand this have a responsibility to vision in the change that needs to happen. Stop focusing on the fear and focus on bringing in light to all the darkness out there. Caroline de Lisser ❤️

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