When Like Attracts Like: being your own e-harmony

Would you want to date yourself?  Are ‘you’ the One?  Or are you still out there looking for someone else to make your life whole?  These questions are important because your mindset determines what you will attract.     Like attracts like; wounded attracts wounded; whole attracts whole.

Relationships can light up our lives like the blinding rays of the sun.  And relationships can also be the bane of our existence.   It is a choice we make.  We all want to feel connected and accepted for who we are.  We can feel that connection with another when we have it first with ourselves.  We have to do our soul work in learning to love ourselves.  The problem is that we keep looking outside ourselves for that connection first.  We want a ‘perfect’ match, resonating chemistry, energetic harmony with another.  We powder, work out, diet, comb our hair and practice our smiles so that when a likely victim approaches we are ready to cast the bait.

Do we realize that the bait will only pull in a reflection of ourselves?  If we are needy, we will land a needy person as well.  And most likely, instead of doing our own soul work, we will spend our time working on the other person.  And all our work and effort is wasted because we can only change ourselves.

So, how do we bait that hook with our most whole sense of self?  By using our emotional responses to the moment by moment happenings in our lives as clues to the blockages we carry around with us.  These blockages are places that are not healed from our past.  They are the places where we separate from ourselves, where we judge ourselves, where we do not flow in the love of ourselves.  We don’t have to go back into them to heal them.  We also don’t have to carry them around anymore.

Most of us miss the continual opportunities to clear the blockages because we fall right smack into them.   We make a big splash as we deny, blame the other, repress, resist with all our might to welcome the teaching moments our lives bring to us every day.  If we adopt this pattern of behavior with ourselves, how will it be any different with a partner?  A relationship will call us to our highest learning if we are willing to be awake, conscious of what is before us waiting to be healed.

If one is judging oneself, valuing themselves for how they look or don’t look, the relationship with self is conditional on external factors.  One will not feel loving towards oneself.  If we are able to acknowledge that judgment and not deny it but really see it for what it is, then we can realize the pain we are carrying. When that blockage is brought into a relationship, the wound will be magnified by a partner.

The partner does not have to do anything in particular…….the wound will open and ooze with jealousy and fear……because the relationship will shine its light on it.  We can pretend it isn’t there, we can stuff it down all we want but the feelings of inadequacy will bubble up to the surface.  And so we will attract someone who is needy in the same way or a similar way.  And we will look to each other to fix each other.  We will want someone and expect someone to make us feel good.  And when they and we can’t do it often enough and deeply enough, unhappiness will flow.  We will feel like we failed because our relationship isn’t meeting our expectations.  And we will blame the other as we begin looking for another.  Relationships are healthiest when they are created out of preference rather than out of neediness.

So, what is the answer.  Spruce up your bait by doing your own inner work first.  What are the ways you are not loving yourself?  How do you judge yourself?  How committed are you to loving yourself….because that is the level of commitment you will bring to the partnership.  When you feel anger, do you look to see what is the root fear behind it and embrace it with compassion?  Or do you blame someone else and allow yourself to be held hostage by a stuck emotion?  Our old habit would be to deny the feeling and move on.  If we commit, with courage, to changing that habit, the feeling can move on through us to be released and we become just a degree more transparent in our clarity.

When you are feeling inadequate, do you look for the root fear behind it and embrace it with compassion?  Do you keep your awareness on your inner process looking for the teaching moments?  Are you becoming more and more conscious of those times when your body sensations are tugging at your sleeve to notice and heal a stuck emotion?  Can you represent that stuck emotion with a symbol and in compassionate silence embrace that symbol as though you were embracing a hurting child in your arms?  We can surround and permeate it with love because that is what we are.

If you live in that process, you will attract someone who is capable of working a similar life process of commitment to self-responsibility. Neither partner needs to be ‘perfect’ and whole.  Both partners need to be committed to their own growth.  That process of personal development will feed the fire of a vital partnership.  There will be honesty, authenticity, and passion in your relationship because you both are already in that process with your own selves.  We are mirrors for each other. Like does attracts like.

©2009 by Andrea Avari Stevens, Ph.D.  Andrea is the author of “A Hit of Heaven: a soul’s journey through illusion.”  (www.ahitofheaven.wp.com)  She and her husband are currently writing their book on soulful relationships which will be available by the end of the year.  http://www.andreaavari.com

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